Inspiration

I'm restless. I can't just sit and read. I can't focus. My brain starts going off in different directions. I thinks part of it is that I want to write, create, publish, produce. I'm feeling like I'm in a limbo of my own making. I'm not walking my talk. I'm stretching and warming up, preparing to walk my talk, but not actually walking. Over the weekend my husband and I saw a screening of "Grand Canyon" then a Q&A afterward with Lawrence Kasden. It was good, inspiring. He is the kind of writer and film maker I would like to be. I feel his style is along my lines of character and mood. So seeing him and hearing him talk about how he works was encouraging and frustrating all at the same time. The encouragement rubbed up against the part of me that feels like I'm not doing enough to achieve my creative goals. Sunday afternoon I was watching random tv and saw "Chefography" on the Food Network about Ina Garten and Giada DiLaurentis and how they got to where they are. It wasn't so much about the food but the passion for what they do. That also got me fired up. If I say I'm passionate about film, filmmaking, film writing, film directing, then what am I doing in this FX day job? Yes yes, paying bills. Okay fine. But at what point is that just an excuse? At what point am I going to get over the fear and move forward? Ah, yes. This is a good place to point out (remind myself) that: "Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear." Mark Twain. and then also to remember: "You block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith." Mary Manin Morrissey Both of them are saying Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway. My brother-in-law and I talked about these concepts once and he said "Faith and fear can't exist at the same time." And I feel that is true to some point. But now I feel more sure that they can, you just have to make sure the faith is stronger. (I pictured a game of whack-a-mole right then....) It's not like I'm not writing at all. I am working every morning on my novel and that feels good. There is a flow, even if it is only a half hour or 45 minutes of actual writing. That is more than I was doing in February. I just want instant results, instant gratification. I have a hard time being patient. Monday!!!